Driving the lean bacon!

"Move over bacon! Time for something leaner!" Yes! and it still tastes like bacon! Mmmm...bacon!!! NOM NOM NOM!

Admit it! We all love bacon! Its hard to imagine a world without bacon! We know its so very bad for us, but we keep stuffing our faces with it. Well, I am going out on a limb here and compare my vehicle to, yep..you guessed it...bacon!

We all need some mode of transport. Since I cannot own a Sandspeeder (yet) and my request for a Millennium Falcon is on backorder(shhh),  I have to go with a normal automobile.  Yes - I said automobile.....

As a mom of two and a then family of four, the logical - the societal norm was to rock a mini van. Well, that's what we did.  So we(ahem..I) did a search for mini vans all just a few mere months before my second child was born. I admit it...the sliding doors, dvd, double moon roof, seat heaters, satellite radio, navi, and bluetooth was all very alluring. But truth be told, I decided on the Toyota Sienna because it has the most "bacon-y"  full swag you tube commercial out there....BEHOLD- the reason behind my mini-van purchase. Correction - not just a mini van..it was the SWAGGER WAGON!

Ah, yes...marketers love me. I will fall for a slick advertisement anytime(recall the Mickey Mouse talking phone from earlier posts?). But yes, that is why I bought a mini van...this ad sold me some bacon...some full fat...swaggy....delicious...family friendly bacon!  I wanted to be that slick in my Swagger Wagon!

FAST FORWARD!

Well...here we are now 2013 - almost 2014 (thank God I need a fresh start here) and I no longer need the full fat ride. I need something much leaner. Momma needs a new swaggy ride. Single Swagger Mom does not look so fly rollin' up to dinner, the bars...wherever, in a mini van...even it if it called a Swagger Wagon.

So I went to the dealer the other day and traded in my bacon for something leaner. I have now a RAV4 Limited!  Its the Sizzlean of mom vehicles. I feel like I lost 50 pounds in a day and I look like a total badass!

This car is so much more me! This car is exactly what the boys and I needed!  I mean come on!!!! Its practically a baby!!!! Its much cuter than the van. It gets better mileage and the payment each month is much more manageable for this mom.

The only thing that is pretty creepy about it is that is can read aloud my texts and picture messages can come though on it when I have the bluetooth connected. So, I will just leave that bluetooth off...just saying....LOL.

Overall, I am super happy with this decision. I feel sexier, swaggier, younger and like I lost 50 pounds. I don't feel like I should be wearing "Mom-jeans" either...not that I ever did wear those.  If you know me in real life you know that I would NEVER rock the "Mom- jeans".  I'm a lean, mean, driving machine.

my car - love it

A new car.
A new kind of bacon.
A fresh start.
A new year ahead!

Swagger on!
@Irishbele2000 - Twitter
@Irishbelle78 - Instagram  (and come on - I know some of you don't follow me yet here...lol )

See you next time!

I Licked it!

Let me start with saying....this was not my idea! I should have left this review to the professionals...but I got hooked in.

So here it goes.

So I went across the street from my apartment one day to Urban Outfitters - ok before you unfollow me completely for falling into their trap let me explain. They do have some random crazy stuff in there - and I am all about random crazy stuff. If you got a Christmas gift from me this year- odds are a good amount of what I sent you is from there. Anyway, I am minding my own and I stumble on these beauties.....

So being full  of swagger as I am I had to try them. The color was great and it dared me to try them. I am up for a dare anytime, and this had dare written all over it.  I have threatened for weeks to test them and today is the day. 

So let me just say....if you like wasabi you are in for a treat...if not...you will gag and curse whoever dared you to try such a horrid item. 

I tried licking it first. 

Then sucking it. 

Then chewing it. 

Then licking some more. 

Then I went back to...oh sweet Jesus....impossible to write about a candy cane without giggling like a Jr high- using lick too much makes me laugh. YES I SUCKED IT AND LICKED IT! 

Yep...cut and paste that shit all over twitter...sorry Mom and Dad.  In my humble opinion no matter how I lick, suck, chew - it tastes like vomit! It tastes like sugar to start and you think all is well. Then BAM! a few licks in and you are in wasabi hell! It sticks to your teeth and coats your throat in wasabi juices - I never in my life have wanted to induce vomit- today I wanted to.   There I said it - I have a dislike for wasabi and this candy cane was nasty!

Again....my video skills are sub par and I can't seem to upload my live taste test of these shit sticks.  I'll see what I can do, but until then, I warn you. These are not to be tasted by the faint of heart...I had to spit it out...and that's just not me. OHHHHHH SNAP!!!!!!!! Yeah, I went there. Classy Lassy!

OK - I will show myself out now - goodnight everyone!  See you next time.

Swag on!
@Irishbelle2000 - twitter
@Irishbelle78 - Instagram

The Hail Mary Pass

GASP!

SILENCE

APPLAUSE

That is how the finale of my first attempt at acting was capped.  It was the start of a passion and an addiction for me. Little did I know that this first performance would live on in school infamy for years.  Forcing a prop change and rule book for future starlets to adhere to years down the line.

I was in First Grade.  It was getting close to Christmas and I knew that our class was responsible for the Nativity play. It was always a big deal every year. It was even a bigger deal who was to play Mary. Guess who was chosen for that gig? YEP - little freckle faced me!  I recall the teacher calling out my name and a collective sigh of "WHAT?" being uttered by every other little girl behind me(yes behind me - because being the little nerd I am -I was of course in the front row).  Immediately I was the most hated girl in the class - at least until after Christmas break.

Side note - re-read this book - a childhood fave!

We took our scripts home that night.  I recall wanting to call my "agent" and renegotiate this production.  I - the mother of God - only had 2 lines!!!!!  While Joseph - the step dad to the Messiah- had a whopping 12 lines! I felt very shortchanged. Already the little diva was emerging.  If I was going to have only 2 lines - well by God those lines would be the greatest lines ever uttered across the gym stage. I practiced daily and was ready for the spotlight.

The day had finally arrived. The costumes were made the stage was set.  We were ready for show time. I brought my favorite baby doll in to be the Christ Child. Please note that we had practiced with no baby for the past 3 weeks and today was the big moment. With babe in arms and my Mary costume on I headed out the door , to my dad's station wagon, and into the crisp Georgia night for my first acting gig. 



Now let me set this up...here is the baby doll I chose to represent our Lord and Savior - see photo.   Yes, I realize this baby is as big as me - but nobody stopped me and I was allowed to bring any doll I wanted - so this was it.  Yep - Mary birthed a 6 month old! Sweet Jesus, I am going to hell for ALL OF THIS!

In all my heavenly glory! Little brother is photo bombing me.

The show went as planned. We did have a quick substitution when the lead angel was home with the chicken pox and the teachers had to scramble someone to fill in. Other than that things were going along smoothly.

We came to the final song.  Joseph and I are center stage. The choir is singing around us.  I am lovingly looking down on the large baby. I know my next move. I am to stand up. Finish singing the song with the rest of the choir and raise our hands above our heads at the end.

CRAP! 

Raise our hands? My 5 year old head raced. Sweet Corn Nibblets! We never practiced this with the baby before! I only had moments to decide what to do? Do I leave the baby on the ground or do I (GASP) not follow my stage direction and not put my hands up?  This was a split second acting choice I had to make...so...

I THREW THE BABY JESUS!

I threw that large baby doll into the audience below me.  It wasn't subtle either.  I leaned back and did my best Joe Montana and threw that baby for a touchdown.   But by God my hands were in the feckin air! I finished that song with a smile on my face and my jazz hands up.

GASP
SILENCE
APPLAUSE

The curtain came down and my teachers rushed over to me.  I was thrilled - I did my part - said every line- and still got my hands up. I felt I did no wrong. They gently turned me around to show me the manger that was BEHIND ME! I recall Mrs. Guinn saying: "Molly, did you forget that about the manger?".  Oh, I guess I had forgotten that one detail. I was so high off my performance that I didn't care. I went downstairs and ate my cookies and juice at the after party like a queen. Where my mortified mother and father returned my baby doll to me. In my eyes,  the show was a thrilling success.

After that, the school invested in a standard size baby doll and placed the manger IN FRONT of the Holy Family at all performances.   I changed the Christmas play for all eternity - score point for me!

That show is one of my most favorite Christmas memories, and I am so happy to share it here. I hope everyone gets a chance to see their  own child add a special moment to a school production one day. I know mine have already done so, and I look forward to more. 

Bring it 2014! Let's keep the family theater streak alive and well -  one embarrassing moment at a time!  I don't think we will have a problem with that.....exhibit A...

Don't turn your back on us for a second!

Swag on!
See you soon! - And MAYBE a VLOG will appear! Good Lord!
Swagger Mom - Twitter @Irishbelle2000
                           Instagram @Irishbelle78

The Toy That Killed My Christmas

That was it!

 That phone was the holy grail to me in 1984.

That commercial roped me in and had me hooked. I had to have that flipping phone! If I didn't hear Snow White say she loves ME..ME!!! - I was going to lose my 5 year old shit!  I begged Santa in many crayon scented letters on Hello Kitty paper to please grant this one wish.  I wanted to be that one kid on the block that everyone was jealous of.  I wanted to have THE TOY - and in my mind this talking hunk of plastic was THE TOY!

I was a believer. Santa, the elves, the reindeer, the sleigh, the cookies, the chimney - the whole nine yards- 5 year old Molly Ann believed every word as truth. I had no reason not to trust what my parents said.

Yep - loads of swagger back then!

 I mean look at that face! That freckle faced kid believed without question that the fat man with the jelly belly would bring the magical Mickey Mouse Talking Phone to her on Christmas morn' - without a doubt! Seriously,  I almost look like I work for Santa in this picture.

Point is, I had complete faith in Santa, and he was going to deliver on my one request. Santa and only Santa could make this happen.

Well, back then my little brother was 2 and he was a hot mess - as he continues to be to this day.  My parents have been distracted by his antics since 1982 and I have been left to my own devices ever since.  I learned quickly how to find quiet places in the house to hide from the chaos and be in my own world.

One day my little brother was being a particularly bad seed. I decided to hide out in my parents room to avoid him. I brought a few My Little Ponies with me and hid under my parents king sized bed. I was on the right side of the bed towards the wall having a grand adventure with Butterscotch and Moonbeam when I saw - THE BAG! It was a big black garbage bag, under my parents bed. This intrigued me. My first thought was - oh no! Someone left the trash under the bed! I wanted to be the helpful child and take this neglected garbage outside. So I pushed this heavy bag out from under the bed, and I crawled out after it.

It didn't take long for me to notice the bag was untied and open. I went in to tie it and that is when I saw it!

Look at this shit! Who wouldn't want this?!

There is was! THE Mickey Mouse Talking Phone! I was so excited I may have giggled aloud. It was really in my home and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world - or at least on Old Ivy Rd.  Then I remembered - Wait, I asked Santa for this! Why is it under my parent's bed? Then I got even more excited! Oh, My, Goodness! I will get TWO of these! One from Santa and one from Mom and Dad! This will be the GREATEST CHRISTMAS EVER!

My 5 year old logic had reasoned that my parents, not having paid attention to me or the many letters I have written to Santa, went ahead and bought what Santa was OBVIOUSLY already bringing me. - Duh! So, being sly, I put the phone back and pushed the bag of toys under the bed and never spoke of it again.

It took every bit of self control I had to not spill the beans on my epic find, but I did not want to risk them returning the phone they bought and me not getting TWO Mickey Mouse Talking Phones. This was the most difficult thing for a chatty 5 year old girl to do - keep a secret. But I did it.

Christmas morning came and I woke my little brother up at an obscene hour to help move things along.  Dad checked to see if Santa indeed came and we were given the "all clear".  I tore into the living room searching for the Talking Phone. I found it right away. It had a bow and tag on it "To Dearest Molly - Love Santa". Ok, so I found the Santa one! Awesome! I gave my best excited face and then kept moving. I wanted to save my real "Christmas Joy" face for when I found the other phone.  I muddled through other gifts while desperately looking for the matching toy. 

Well, you guessed it folks. There was no other phone. This was it!

BUSTED!

I caught my folks red handed! That was the moment it all became crystal clear to me.

"Hi little 5 year old Molly - Merry Christmas - Santa isn't real - welcome to the real world bitch!" -

That is what that unopened toy was saying to me.  My bubble was burst and I felt my stomach drop.  I I was devastated! Total shock! I took my loot back to my room, and I never mentioned to my family, until now, that I knew Santa was really Mom and Dad. I have kept that secret to this day - now it is finally out.

Phew, this feels good. Sorry Mom and Dad.

Now - as a parent Santa takes on a whole new role. Its your turn now to help them believe and pass on the magic.   I love hearing my boys talk about how they think Santa can still deliver our gifts even though we don't have a chimney here in the apartment. I love planning what cookies we are going to make for Santa. I love helping them make letters for Santa, and getting pictures with Santa. I even love that ridiculous Elf on the Shelf.  Will named him years ago.

Yep - that's the name you get when your kid watches A LOT of Star Wars.

I love seeing them dream and wish.  I love seeing them imagine something so happy and pure that you can see it written all over their eyes. That is what Santa is - not something made by Hasbro - its more than that. I hope they keep that joy and belief in dreams long after they learn the truth behind the story. 


I wonder what toy will reveal the truth to them.  I hope its not as traumatic as my discovery.   Yet, even when we all discover the reality we never really lose the magic and fun that is Christmas.

 Hmmm, I wonder....

Anyway....


See you all next time - when I promise I will discuss tasting something I may regret. I know I promised that before, but I had to share my phone story with you.

Swag on!
Swagger Mom
@Irishbelle2000
and follow my world through a gentle filter on Instagram - Irishbelle78 

Guilty as Charged!

I blame my 17 years of Catholic Education on all of this!  Look at this guilty little girl!

So it began at the tender age of 5 - rebel with the red shoes!

I am so feckin' guilty!  I can't enjoy anything without feeling like Jesus, Mary and Joseph are shaking their heads at me in disgust.   I am a sinner and I know it!  Guilty as charged!  I have many sins and I know I am not perfect - far from it, but as a Catholic its even hard to have fun sometimes. At least we have confession - its like ServePro for sins - "Like it never even happened!".  Yep, going to hell for that joke too - reason #327. 

 I am not here to lecture you on the art of avoiding sin or how to sin well (hey, if you're gonna do it, do it well), but I do want to talk about another level of guilt today - the sin of the guilty pleasure.  Ooh la la! Sounds so....so...guilty and bad! I am in! 

I think now is the time I indulge you all in a few of mine. Now, don't get too excited guys and gals, I won't give you EVERYTHING, lets save that for another time...buy me a drink or two first.

Now I am running a big risk here sharing these. I feel like many of these are total deal breakers for dating or friend relationships.   But honesty is the best policy right?  If I can find a guy who can sit through me professing my love for all things NKOTB, lets me quote from "Wayne's World" on almost a daily basis, isn't ashamed of my competitive  Britney Spears karaoke skills, and is still at the party after witnessing me break out the 80s and 90s dance moves - well, that's a keeper! So I feel its best to just get all this out there right away!

Not a costume! Concert attire! Anyone who can deal with THIS is rad in my book!

So drum roll -side note,  I always envision the start of Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" as my drum roll always - I give you my guilty pleasures - get ready....

1. I am a massive NKOTB fan!  I know, I am losing street cred as a little punk rock chic, but I have to be honest to the teenie bopper girl I was. Also,  there is a time and place to be silly - and NKOTB is just plain silly.  So,  I am a card carrying fan club member since 1988.  I have a skirt made of the bedsheets(in above pic), I have been on the cruise, to 12 concerts (5 in the last 3 years), I know all the songs, have all their autographs, laminated posters, key chains, lunchboxes, trading cards, fanny packs. I know birthdays, wedding dates, kids birthdays and.....ok now I sound crazy. Lets say I am a fan. I am not the lady on the cruise who had a Mt. Rushmore styled tattoo of their faces on her back (God I wish I had taken a picture of THAT) kind of fan, but I am a fan.  So deal with it! 

2. I know the words to and sing along to many Taylor Swift songs even though I openly mock her love life and her in general. Phew, had to let that one out. Shame.

3. I think "17 Again" is a great movie! It makes me laugh and I watch it at least once a week - alone. Mostly I watch alone because I love my friends too much to force them to view it with me, but they are always welcome. I also feel guilty when I watch it because I think Zac Efron looks super cute in it and I feel like a cougar thinking that.  I did have my kids act out a scene to this but I can't get the video to upload...next time...sorry.

4. I will watch ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING with Johnathan Rhys Meyers in it. The man could read the menu at Taco Bell and I would watch. It could be the Irish accent , or it could be the green/blue eyes - light colored eyes get me every time!  I don't know why, but he has been in some of the worst shows and movies ever,  but I will watch them all! Guilty, guilty, guilty! Oh, baby - so guilty!  I mean come on! Look a the man!

Basically the only reason I became interested in Tudor history - sad right?

5. Wow 5 already? I feel you can see into my soul already I have shared so much!  A perfect night for me would be staying in and watching on an endless loop episodes of Full House, Different World, Small Wonder, and 227. Yeah, another relationship deal breaker I think, but totally worth it to be part of the Tanner family for the night. Which by the way - here is what I need for Christmas, hope your taking notes!

Feck yeah! A DJ Tanner T-shirt?! I am so in!

6. I sing in the shower and in the car.  I am sure my upstairs neighbors are sick of my American Idol auditions every morning at 5:30 am, but I won't stop!  My Broadway dreams are still alive! Tomorrow morning I am rocking out to some Liz Phair. So, apartment 301W get your request list in now, I will start with Supernova and work my way from there.  I am guilty - of waking you up with awesomeness! 

7.  Ok, I know I will get a lot of shit about this. I love Cds - not the financial kind- the ones that play music. Yes, they still make them. I love my collection and I continue to add to it. Anyone who decides they want to live with me will have to make room for my towers of Cds and my Bose Cd player - they are a part of me and we will never be parted.  I wept the day I lost my cassette player with the ability to tape songs off the radio, and hell with freeze over before I give up my Cds. You will need to pry them out of my cold, dead, pale (er) hands before I let go.

One of , ahem ,a few towers. Why yes that is a unicorn bank on the table. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8. Doritos - I can pound a family size even party size bag of Doritos all by myself.  I have banned the nacho flavored devils from my apartment, and if a restraining order could be made against a snack food I would have taken one out years ago. I would love nothing more than to watch Full House , while eating a bag of  Nacho Doritos - ahh perfection! And this is probably why I am single! Nacho breath and John Stamos - a sexy ass combo! That's me. 

OK - so I may have lost all 4 of my followers here, but I feel you deserve to know my truth. The rest will slowly be revealed as we walk this blog road together.  These guilty pleasures make me smile and add a nerdy individuality to me, and I am cool with that.  Own your pleasures (ooh that sounded like fun - oops reason #328) , and be proud of who you are and what you like! 

Swag on!

See you next time - when I taste something I may regret!  

Swagger Mom

@Irishbelle2000