A whole lot of random nonsense mixed with stories of my life. Anything and everything that makes me smile, laugh and even cry is fair game here. I'm "Hangin' Tough" because I was raised in the 80s and we knew how to survive - no helmets, no internet, no cell phones, no problem! Let's rock this blog!
Dear Sweet Baby Jesus laying in the manger - thank you for social media!
Now before you jump down my throat telling me I am a crazy person being grateful for the invention of the Internet - thank you by the way Al Gore (HAHA LOL!)- I am forever grateful for my children, my family, my health, and the blessed life that I have been given.
But....
This year, this year, I want to make a special "shout out" to social media - in all its glorious forms - for saving me.
But everyone here brought be out of my post divorce funk and into a much better happier place. Back to me - the feisty Irish chic who loves whiskey,loves to laugh, loves to karaoke, and loves to be random - among other things. Some of you here had a more direct role than others, but all of you, all your words, posts, blogs, reviews, v-logs, and overall randomness saved me! You have no idea how awesome you all are! THANK YOU!
I am eternally grateful for all of you and for the Internet that brought us all together!
WOW! That was pretty sappy for Swagger Mom - but it had to be said.
OK - next time we will discuss the finer points of guilty pleasures and there MIGHT be a video involved. WHAT!??!?!?!?
Stay tuned!
Happy Thanksgiving to ALL!
See you soon!
Swagger MOM
Speaking of guilty pleasures lets kick that off right….Have a FUNKY FUNKY CHRISTMAS!
I have never, never, ever , ever, played Spin the Bottle. Shocking! I know. I think I would be hard pressed to find any of my high school crew who ever played this game either. Dating in your awkward teen years was already difficult without adding a random "7 minutes in heaven" in a closet with a classmate to it. I don't feel like I missed out on much, and I don't regret not being a part of this "teen rite of passage." We had enough strange without THAT.
But now....
Now, I am thrown into this new game and I had no idea how the rules have changed! It is a learning curve and it keeps you on your toes for sure.
Me-May 1997 - how I ever got a date looking like this I will never know.
Crap! The last "first date" I went on was in 1997 - Miley Cyrus was 4 years old, Seinfeld was the #1 show, and MMMBOP had just hit the airwaves AND the corners of my mind ( I have yet to get that song out of my head). The rules, and fashions have changed and I fear upon entering this new dating world that I am in for an EPIC battle of Spin the Bottle!
I swear, I am too old for this shit!
Being that I am WAY too old for this nonsense I am a girl who appreciates direct. I have the distinct pleasure of being the recipient of a certain bartender's very direct bottle spinning skills. I sit down and the bottles start flying. Like this.....
Um, yeah, maybe not quite as cool as this, and definitely NOT looking like Tom Cruise, but its still amusing.
I get free drinks and a bottle tossing show! Dinner, drinks and a show - who needs Vegas?!?!??! It was a little awkward at first because I am not used to it. Now, I giggle about it, and we joke about when we are going out on a date. I have always told him no and will continue to decline the requests..it has become a routine now . We will get to the whys my declining bartender ANOTHER TIME. Yet, he stills spins bottles while I laugh , I drink my whiskey and wait for my turn at karaoke. Spice Girls up yet?
Hey, I appreciate direct - and his bottle spinning is direct and I can deal with it. Easy. Done.
Now other guys are more subtle in their bottle spinning. Its a mind game of who is going to spin the bottle first and who will cave first. This game I simply have no patience for. I have been told that there are rules about how much to text a guy. How many smiley faces, exclamation marks, winky faces, & LOLs, to use. Its terribly stupid and confusing, but for some of my dating peers out there they live and die by these rules.
Its the play it cool -"hit and run" style texting I call it. Example:
A guy might text "Hi, how are you?",
A girl responds "Great how are you?"(no sooner than 5 minutes later because that makes her look desperate ....argh rules) and then......
..............crickets!
NO RESPONSE!
BOOM GIRL!!!!!!!
WELCOME TO THE GAME!
Your mind is left bottle spinning! Do I text again? Did I say something wrong? - while you review your text feed for evidence of a flag throwing offense. Did I use too many freakin smiley faces??? Its mind boggling. I will never understand it. I feel for those who take these rules as gospel because it seems to just keep the bottles spinning and the game never ending.
I have no filter and I am pretty direct. If I like someone I will want to talk to them ...a lot...and I will text more than I should. The "hit and run" rules about texting and calling just make my head hurt. Mostly it makes me want to drink from the bottle instead of spin it.
But its not 1997 anymore - its 2013 and I learning....
Don't hate the player, hate the game...right?
Lets review - so far I have learned that guys still do tricks to impress girls - like spin bottles. I also learned that there are way too many rules about texting guys and that each winky face has some hidden meaning...
;) --ooh sorry didn't mean to ask you to marry me there - oh my bad.
Oh, and then there are the guys who want to spin the bottle, pour the drinks, roofie your drink, and smash the bottle on the floor.
I was recently exposed to this option of "bottle spinners" while on a weekend vacation. A friend and I were out getting late night dinner at a burger bar , and I was introduced to the brand of bottle spinners called : the douche bag (as labeled by my friend, and they are apparently the norm of the side of town we were on). Warning ladies they roam in packs(of at least a minimum of 4 dudes) and they all like to dress alike. By alike I mean as rejects from a 98degrees casting call. Kinda like this.......
I imagine the night before we saw them that they looked like THIS!
This particular night they all decided to go for the 1/2 zip sweaters and puffy vests. I can imagine the frenzied text messages going out while each DB was over applying hair gel and AXE cologne. Everyone making sure the agreed upon ensemble for the night was ready to wear.
They were pretty easy to identify, so I am not worried that I will fall under their spell/trap, but it was amusing nonetheless. They were loud. They were obnoxious. They were over served. Then the fighting started. One was being pulled by the collar of the 1/2 zip sweater yelling unintelligible words at another DB. There were words exchanged and the puffy vests almost came off...almost. For a moment we thought a gun might appear, but sadly it did not get that exciting. We stayed in our corner observing the fray and kept ordering drinks. I took a mental note to keep away from this breed and to step out of the game when they are spinning the bottle.
I thank my friend for the lesson in the local douchbags. It was eye opening! Thank you :) (that's me smiling..no hidden meaning)
OMG - pass the whiskey! Now I am left spinning. Again, I am too old for this shit! I don't play games very well, and I don't follow rules well either. The way I see the game for me is two options:
1. I sit down , all in, to play this silly game and risk dealing with a collection of Tom Cruises, subtle hit and run texts, and 98 degrees playing me for a fool.
or!
2. I keep my bottles and wait for someone who likes Jameson and coke and lets me play by my own rules..no matter how many texts or smiley faces. ;P (whatever that means...crap.... I think I just asked you to prom!)
Well, I do like Jameson and I hate being gamed - see I'm a simple girl. This shouldn't be that difficult!
Play on players - I got this!
Next time I will let you know how thankful I am for....YOU! yes YOU!!!!
Until next time!
Swagger Mom
@irishbelle2000 - twitter
I have had the great pleasure of hearing epic nuggets of comedy gold at work and at home. I want share a few of them here before we delve into the inner meanings of spin the bottle as I promised in my last post.
So here goes…
Teaching is a great joy - but it is also exhausting and frustrating. It is important to be able to laugh sometimes.
One must run a tight ship…..
But with the right balance you will get a classroom full of future stand up comedians that all have a little swagger of their own.
From what I have witnessed in my time educating is the future is looking bright for careers in comedy.
Here are a few gems from years of teaching the 5 and under crowd:
"What does science look like?" - I had no answer. College educated woman could not answer this.
"What does the number 4 sound like?" - Um….like 4? Now who sounds silly?
"When will tomorrow be today!" - Did your parents let you watch Spaceballs?
"When I grow up, I want to be a mommy and a giraffe!" - Yes, you do that! I would like to see that.
"Miss Molly, you look like a rockstar today, are you Ke$ha?" - No. (thinking to self - Jesus! either I am the most badass teacher here or I look like I haven't showered for weeks - either way, not good.)
"One day I will be an astronaut scientist and a football player. " My own child said this - and yes, yes he will be.
"How do you spell A?" - HEAD SLAP!
Drum roll…..last one of the day…….
"I love how making math sounds!" - um…well, yes, I think, ok….great! MATH RULES!
See, the world will not be lacking in comedy writers in the future. These lines just fall out of their mouths like half eaten graham crackers in the lunchroom.
The children are our future. My work here is done! Long live comedy!
Its only Tuesday folks! I'll be here all week! Tip your waitresses!
I am here! I know you were worried I would never arrive! Well Swagger Mom is up and running and ready to amuse the world - one random thought at a time.
OK…...
Before I get all Swagger Mom on you we need to talk about FIRES! Listen to the dummy folks!
Alright, enough of that….well, there is never enough of THAT, but we have business to get down to.
Smokey the Bear was a wise forest friend with words of wisdom for all of us.
Remember - only YOU can prevent forrr…..oh and maybe you and ooh snap, you, and you, and maybe her, and her and her can prevent forest fires!???!!! Wait - there are way too many bitches in this forest!!!!! HMMMM…..
Well, sometimes a fire HAS to burn in a forest to help the plants and vegetation breathe and grow better. I believe it is called a controlled burn - my firefighter friends can help me there or call my undereducated ass out. Well, my life that I thought was so perfect - was a huge lie. I believed my own crap for years, and it needed to burn and oh hell, burn it did! The match needed to be struck, but the fucking lighter fluid that was poured on top of the fire? THAT was an added dramatic touch that wasn't necessary! Seriously unnecessary! Burned a little more than it should have, but it was a fire that was bound to happen.
Now with the fire out the hope is that everything can regrow again. Everything can grow right and strong with all crap cleared out. I hope I am making sense here. Get it? Fire = the crumbling marriage leading to divorce. Fire analogy getting old yet?
Always better to walk away looking good ladies! LOL
35 years old and starting over.
12 years people!
Gone!
That is terrifying, but also exciting. I have a much clearer picture of who I am and what I am capable of. I am a happier person now and I am ready for this new adventure. This blog is part of that adventure and I am honored if you join me for the ride.
So ladies and gents…if you are looking for useful Mom advice, great crock pot recipes, clever homemade teacher gifts, how to interpret your teens' text messages (nbd btw ftw!), staying hip by learning to twerk or tweet - or how to save hundreds of dollars on car insurance - you have TOTALLY come to the WRONG place! I will not offer ANY of that. None of THAT here! In fact, I doubt I will offer you anything useful here.
Maybe you need this guy then:
So why swagger?
Swagger can be a lot of things. For me - it is not letting the world get to you, being who you are, and not being afraid to let that person out. Be random, be silly, be sexy, be funny, be free, be crazy, be loved, be nerdy (that's me) and most of all - BE YOU- and good things will happen. You NEVER know WHAT or WHO is around the corner that is meant to be a positive part of your life.
BONUS - you don't have to be a single mom to laugh at me. I will always add my random running commentary about the world around us, my love of all things 80s and 90s, funny shit I see, and the cool people and things I meet along this journey. Expect me to link you to all kinds of other great, amazing, and funny blogs to help entertain you down this road. Yet, if I can make one of you laugh for a moment I know I am doing something right and all this crazy is worth it.
Also please note: This blog is still a baby and its still sloppy, crabby, and in need of boob and sleep all the time - oh wait…. that is someone else - OH SHIT! Never mind.
Alright - enough of the heavy crap - who wants to talk about Spin the Bottle!?!??!?!?!
Shhh..that's next post bitches! Stay tuned!
This video is all that was right with the 90s - ah memories.
See you all soon!
Molly - Swagger Mom
@Irishbelle2000 - to follow me on Twitter (if I haven't bored you enough already)
PS - if you don't like swear words maybe this blog or my Twitter page isn't for you. Thanks for playing though!
